Innocence Lost. A Piece Finished. A Dream, And Patience.
I always thought the lyrics in Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit were:
“I found it hard, was hard to find, Can’t find the will, whatever, never mind.”
That is until I titled this piece “Never mind” and then went and looked up the lyrics.
“I found it hard, was hard to find Oh well, whatever, never mind”
Almost the same, but as I have thought the incorrect was true for so long, it has become true to me, and that’s what I’m sticking with, in my own head, oh, whatever, never mind.
I took the original photo of myself a year ago. I wanted to capture a moment, a feeling, my feeling about “surviving” the pandemic, about the death of my youth, innocence taken. I wanted to create a portrait of both beauty and violence. The exhale, the moment of never mind, the realization that the answer to my question “why go on,” is that already, I am not.
A year later, I have found that I have been continuing to go on, and I’m not living my best life, but I am starting to understand what some of the puzzle pieces are, even if I don’t know how to put them together yet.
This morning I received an email from Grand Central Atelier about their summer bootcamp program. I know that if I could pick what to do with my life, responsibilities aside—and they would all magically have to be—that I would apply to go to their core program in New York, move to Brooklyn, and study at GCA for two years, first drawing for a year, then painting for a year. And if I am being really honest, I would then stick around for another year or more likely, two, and probably never move back to the Bay Area, California, where I have lived my entire life except that one year near Rome when I was 16. But that is my dream, my dream quietly, and alone. In reality, I am not alone.
My kiddo is thriving where we are living now, and I could never threaten his thriving with my wants, and desires. We moved to this little treasure trove of a place almost 3 years ago, when I needed a change, help, and he needed a real community with other kids who were already thriving. His thriving will always come before my dreams, because I am a mom, and this is how we are.
But, if I could go—with no consequences—I would go, and he would go and love Brooklyn life, too. And while studying at GCA I would continue to develop my Bad Kids and Contrectus, and for two years I would draw, and then I would paint, and then, after that I would create beyond the bodies of work I am developing now.
So … yeah ... I got an email from GCA about their bootcamp, and a month in Brooklyn durning a summer seems more realistically dreamable. Not this year, I'll keep waiting as I just started a new job, a great new job, and there is absolutely no way I could take a one-month leave of absence in July to study at GCA this year. But next year … maybe … maybe … maybe not "never mind."
We’ll see in 15 months …
And while I continue to dream, I can share that "Never Mind" is the best thing, after my son, of course, that I have ever created.